FFE Magazine

Would you like to be the Other Woman?

Hi father Danny,


I have a question. Father, I am an au pair in one Scandinavian country. I’ve been here for 1 year. Father, for almost 6 months ago I started to have a relationship with the husband of my host family -the family that I work for. Father, I don’t know what to do. I like him, he is a nice man -guapo siya father. But I also feel ashamed, the wife is also nice to me father. He tells me that he will leave his wife so that we can live together. But father, if I leave him, I have to go back to the Philippines. And I will not have money. But if I accept that he leaves his wife for me, I also commit a sin, father.

 Please help father,

Arleen R.


HM Au Pair Affair 2

Dear Arleen,


I’m glad that you thought about writing this letter and asking those questions. It is an indication that you know what you are doing. It means you are not letting your fleeting emotions rule you yet. It shows that you know the dangers of what you are getting into and the grief that it could lead you and the people involved in it. Doing this soul searching effort, that is, taking time to write and sharing with me these doubts you have, indicate that you can still change the course of your life and lead it to a peaceful and happy future.


Let me try to help you thresh out your doubts by asking you this: are you married, maybe not since you didn’t mention that. Have you ever been in a relationship or had a boyfriend? Can you imagine somebody important and special to you leaving you for another woman? A woman that you thought is nice and thus you have trusted her and have always been nice to her? No, I don’t think you can imagine the pain or else you would not be contemplating on pursuing this relationship with your male host.


Let me give you some points to ponder on to help you in discerning the course that you should take.


Destroying yourself and other people. If you follow what your lover is saying you two should do, Can you live with the thought that lives got destroyed because of your actions and decisions? You seem to be entertaining the thought of living together, but that happiness means the misery of not only one (his wife) but several people, their child/children.


Scandal, is defined as leading another person into sin, leading other people through sinful ways. At the moment this is what you are doing to each other.


You might have heard of this passage already from the Bible from Matthew 5:27-32but let me mention it here again “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.


Yes this is harsh and I think it is one of the harshest verses in the Bible, but God doesn’t mean us to dig out our eyes or literally cut our arms or legs or other body parts that have led or contributed in us committing adultery but He uses these strong words to stress the gravity of this sin. Because by the end of the day the only body parts that really matter are our brain and our heart because they dictate the other body parts. Jesus reminds us to do whatever it takes to get away from things that make us sin or be tempted to sin. In your case its living in that house, living with the instrument of temptation, that is the male host. So for you what you have to “cut or throw out” is your relationship with him. You can start by looking for a new employer.


Would he still treat you the same way in the future.  He managed to cheat his wife with whom he’s got a child (or children). You said he is nice. If he is nice, how could he easily turn his back from his wife? What are the prospect of he cheating on you too when you start having a life together. As James Goldsmith said ‘The man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy in that position’ For your part since you have started this relationship this way (you and him having an illicit relationship while he is married) don’t you think you could get sceptical every time he gets close to another female? Would that be a peaceful life?

HM Au Pair Affair 3


A person of dignity. You would be the mistress in this story and nobody likes a mistress no matter what justification one can make up or find to explain why one became a mistress. For his family that he is leaving behind and for everybody else you would always be the woman that wrecked and torn their family apart. I’m sure your male host has a litany of reasons why he is saying he would leave his family.  He has mentioned these to you to justify the wrong that he is doing and why he is encouraging you to pursue this sinful relationship.


You should realize that whatever and no matter how many reasons he has told you, you should not take it or agree to pursue this relationship. Because whatever problems they have he should resolve it with his wife and not jump into another relationship (with you) as a solution to that problem.


If you walk out of this relationship now this would show your mettle as a person of dignity that deserves more respect than what you are receiving now.


Act now. Leave their employment. When we are in the middle of enjoying something no matter how wrong it is, it is horrifyingly difficult to stop and give it up. It takes courage, spiritual and emotional maturity to give up things that we are enjoying.


Before its too late, before you get too deeply involved and before your little secret is revealed to the nice wife, better act on it now and end the relationship and leave. Because I think the longer you stay the more would it be difficult for you to end it and leave. The friction of interacting daily would not be good for your resolve to cut loose. The sooner you deal with it the easier would it be for you to come out of it. But the later you wait the deeper you would get into the mess you got into. Let me paint it more graphically, if you allow yourself to get deeper into this sinful relationship you could get pregnant. Before you know it you cannot get out of it .How would you explain this to your family and to the child you would give birth to. Would it be something you could be proud of? (if you get pregnant, or the wife and child/children would know)


You said that if you leave him you would need to go back to the Philippines. Is that the only option? have you maximized all possible alternatives? I suggest you talk to some Filipino community leaders, the immigration office of that country or the Philippine embassy so you could study your other options. You do not need to tell them your whole story unless it is already very necessary to do so. But you need to talk to somebody knowledgeable about the rules about au pair employment in the country where you are in.


HM Au Pair Affair1


Good future ahead and meeting Mr. right. You are still young (or else you would not be an au pair) you have your whole life ahead of you. You would meet men very much suited for you, a partner in life that could bring you the love and respect that you rightfully deserve. If you don’t meet him don’t hurry God must have lots of things in store for you.


They say that if you want to meet an intellectual partner or boyfriend you go to libraries, attend symposiums on some serious topics or involve yourself in some political or social debates or clubs. If you want to get together with a sportsman or physically active person you should enrol in a sports club. However I would say go to church, get socially involved, meet and talk to people participating in the different religious and civic activities sponsored by your local church.



Ponder on the things that I said. You might not agree with all of it and there might be other factors surrounding your circumstances but my answer is based on the facts that you have shared with me. I hope these would help enlighten you in your search of the right path that you should take.


Always remember God loves you.


Fr. Danny



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